Taipei-Chunan, a journey back in time and traditions

I took the train back to my hometown on this rainy Sunday. This time I was not tired enough so I could enjoy the landscape out of the crazy capital.

One could objectively say that Taiwan is not a really beautiful country. However as my eyes caught glimpses of the views that my huge window offered I realized that no matter what, I'm emotionally attached to the country. An old woman growing her vegetables on the tiny parcels that surround the railways, some abandonned factories reminding us of a different time when they were contributing to the booming economy, blocks and blocks of rectangular houses grayed by time and humidity, wild and urban palmtrees, red (sand), green (trees), gray (houses) as dominating colors. My roots grew in this earth... and for a short moment I was caught in a nostalgia reminding me why I came here.

My journey had yet another purpose. I was to attend the funeral of one of my grand-uncles. I had never been to one before and I was expecting some serious cultural confusion. A huge tent that looks like an outdoor supermarket was set in the middle of a street for the occasion. And as I got there, I was definitely confused. Seeing the faces of aunts and uncles created a slight awkwardness because both our feelings were torn between the happiness of welcoming a family member and the gravity of the moment. I didn't know if I had to smile or cry... or both.

The prayers had already started that day. Time passed by between prayers led by Buddhist monks and songs played by a group of musicians. When the first day ended, I decided to stay with my younger cousins and "keep an eye on the soul" of my grand-uncle - if my translation of the Chinese is correct. In other words we were to stay awake and make sure to replace the 2 incence sticks that were to burn all night. I did this also because I didn't know my 3 younger cousins very well having spent all my life abroad so it was the least I could do... for my grand-uncle and for myself. One of my cousins had a bad cough, another one passed out after 2 hours and slept the rest of the night in the van parked under the tent for us to use as a shelter from the freezing weather. Fortunately they brought a computer so we watched movies to kill time... What can't technology achieve nowadays?... People arrived the next day around 6am. I had the time to have some vegetarian breakfast (because you have to eat vegetarian until the funeral ends) and change before the prayers resume. At around 10am, I stood up in front of a huge crowd that I didn't dare watching. As the older attending cousins bearing Li (李) as my name, I was to represent my generation and proceed with the ritual. It's needless to say that I was really nervous because nobody had been able to tell me what I was supposed to do... Well I would learn later that nobody really has any clues and the process differs from one Buddhist expert to the other. And of course all the instructions were in Taiwanese, a language that I sort of understand, yet hardly when it comes to Buddhism. Fortunately older generations did the ritual before me so I had a vague idea. So basically it goes: facing all the family members wearing black gowns, taking the incense sticks, praying, getting down on the knees, pouring 3 cups of alcohol in a basin filled up with sand, presenting the crown of flowers and then the fruits to the altar, bowing 3 times face down, standing back up and finally bowing twice to show respect to the family members.

When the family prayers ended, it was the turn for friends to come in and there were so many of them that the family had to leave the tent and give room for the ceremony to proceed. Before going to the mountain and accompany the coffin to the mountain for the cremation, I bumped into my grand-aunt. She was resting from the crowd and we had some time away from the bustle and hustle for a private talk. She was doing most of the talking and I didn't want to stop her. It's difficult to imagine how big my family is and I'm scared to lose track. You see, I recognize a lot of them from blurry images I have from the past before leaving Taiwan for over 20 years. Even though there is for sure a family bond from each and every members, they are still strangers to me. I don't consider them as strangers and neither do they, but there's no way to deny the time gap that separated ours lives and experiences. Listening to my grand-aunt, I felt I managed to fill that gap... a little... filling the holes of my blurry memories, learning from the past to uncover who I am...

I missed my granma and granpa funerals... those who held together my part of the family and who still takes a big part in my past memories. When I look at my relatives, I see a smile, I hear the sound of a voice, I recognize my grandparents... pieces of souvenirs that I collect because they define me as well... because I'm trying to complete a puzzle of myself with incomplete pieces... Even though I will never go back in time and live 2 different lives in 2 different countries, I'm here to collect as many pieces as possible, tiny parts of me that I can find in each and every relatives... I didn't sleep for about 36 hours but it was worth it. The funeral was long and painful but I "enjoyed" it; I took it more as a to-take-on-willingly task than a forced-to-fill-up duty. We all had plenty of time to grieve and I got to collect more pieces.

I missed my granma and granpa funerals so the very least I could do was to go to my grand-uncle's one. Farewell Granma, Granpa, Grand-Uncle... hope to talk to you one day and together we may complete the puzzle.